


Only The Dead See The End of War

by BladedFeather



Series: Fatalism [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Background Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Natasha Is a Good Bro, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Sam Wilson is an angel, Steve is so done, Suicidal Thoughts, and Bucky Barnes needs a hug, and a little - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-11
Updated: 2015-08-11
Packaged: 2018-04-14 05:57:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4553328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BladedFeather/pseuds/BladedFeather
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anyone who visited the Smithsonian's Exhibit on the life of Captain America,  could see numerous pictures and videos from the 40's featuring a smile like sunshine. Anyone who knew Steve Rogers in the 21st Century wondered at how they could possibly be the same person.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only The Dead See The End of War

**Author's Note:**

> At long last, part three! This was so exciting for me to write, as I have such a deep love for The Winter Soldier. Be warned please, there are mentions of torture and a reference to someone thinking about suicide, while small I just thought I'd mention it if you didn't catch it in the tags. At some point in writing this it got away from me, and grew much larger than I thought it would. (Lyrics are from Fake Your Death By My Chemical Romance) I hope you enjoy. All mistakes are my own, apologies!

 

> Cause even heroes get the blues, or any misery you choose...

 

The Soldier is the fist of Hydra. The things he does serve purposes greater than himself. It is not his place to question, the punishment for such a thing is severe, although truthfully The Soldier had stopped asking questions a very long time ago. The Soldier is a tool, to be used and stored, that is his role, and he will accept it, for the greater good. There is a list of things he knows, that stay with him every time he wakes. The blurry memories of his last missions are not important. He is to complete his current mission in the time allotted, and return immediately.

They tell him every time he comes back, that he's done well. That he's helping to shape the world. By the time he gets back though, things start to get fuzzy. Flashes of different people, telling him the same thing, sometimes in different languages overlap those actually saying it.

Sometimes if the mission runs long, there are different flashes. There are bleary pictures in his mind of blood and snow, which for a reason the Soldier cannot make sense, tints the edge of his mind with discomfort.

The first, and only time it happened, The Soldier had nearly failed the mission set for him because of it. Passing by a store window, he sees it reflected back at him. The mission had a very long run time, and the flashes are much more prominent. The Soldier tries to rationalize why there is a sharp burning at his eyes. Why the hand holding his knife shakes at the sight of the blood red star emblazoned on his shoulder. Something inside of himself recoils at the thought of blood being tied to that image. For the rest of the mission The Soldier is distracted, and when the targets chest blooms with red, instead of the factual knowledge that he'd done as asked, just like before, something recoils at the blood spilling freely from the wound.

Slitting the last of seven targets throat, the....resistance the Soldier feels inside of himself suddenly comes to a head. The target falls away, slumping to the ground and the light of their blue eyes vanishes with their life. There is a horrible feeling of vertigo, and then the Soldier is on his knees; doesn't even understand the tears falling from his eyes, has no name for them. Nor can he find a name for the feeling that seems to be clawing it's way out of his chest.

When he returns, he fails to report properly to his handlers, and pays for it. The Soldier does not understand the fear in their eyes when he tells them about _blue_. About blue and gold, watching as glances were passed back and forth, and conversations were had about what to do with him. _Control_ , is the word he hears passed around the most, and in the end, they strap him back to the chair.

Except this time, the scientists try to burn away anything to do with blue, gold, and the red star on his shoulder. They sear the memories straight from his mind.

The next time the Soldier wakes up, he walks by his reflection without pause. Eliminates his targets swiftly, and returns.  The Soldier fulfills his purpose unerringly.

 

* 

 

Steve wakes up. The first instinct that he has is to jolt up, but something stops him. Sitting up carefully, there doesn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary, it looks like a standard infirmary. It becomes clear very soon that the feeling in his gut is right. The sheets are too soft. Not only are they too soft, but they smell too clean, wrong in a way he can't place.

The woman who walks in and greets him smiles and reassures him that everything is fine, that they pulled him from the ice. She's lying, smile just this side of too sweet. In the next moment he's up and running into the halls, away from a fake piece of the past. It takes Steve a few cursory glances as he runs to see that even the clothes people are wearing are foreign to him.

The doors open, and Steve can only hear Bucky's voice echoing _'Come on Stevie! We're going to the future!'_ as he stares at the world around him. Black vehicles close in, and Steve allows himself a single brief moment to curse the Serum, despise it for letting him survive. Nick Fury introduces himself, and then informs him it's the 21st century. Steve ignores the star on his arm, just like he ignores the searing loss that is only a few days old for him.

 

^

 

Distraction, Steve finds, is key. Steve does anything and everything he can to occupy himself, to make himself useful. It works for the most part, and when it doesn't, Steve never lets it show.

The Battle of New York, both wears him down and builds him up. All of it was surreal, battling _aliens, from outer space_. What it boiled down to though, was someone trying to stand above everyone else and proclaim that they were better. Aliens? He had no idea how to even begin fighting those things. Bullies though? Steve had fought them for as long as he could remember.

Having a team helps more than he ever thought it would, and despite the dysfunctionality of the Avengers, leading them helps Steve to slowly start putting himself back together.

So when they send Loki back to Asgard, and the team goes its separate ways, it leaves Steve at loose ends, not quite sure what to do with himself again. It's not a difficult decision to join Shield, especially when he learns Howard and Peggy were instrumental in founding it.

 

^

 

It turns out that joining Shield was good for taking up his time, although the more he did for the organization, the more it's actions began to chafe with his principles. Steve isn't used to the cloak and dagger of it all, and it bothers him. They should all be able to trust each other, it's what makes armies _work._

Steve meets Sam Wilson while he's trying to burn off the frustration, and the smile on his face as he laps him for the third time isn't quite as brittle as usual. What starts as friendly rivalry blooms into an actual friendship. Sam exudes an aura of calm that Steve can't quite explain but is just another reason that Steve enjoys his company.  Sam just _gets_ certain things, and it helps to ease the spark of pain that goes through him every single time he catches sight of the star. It hurts because it's a reminder that he's gone but it's also the only thing he has left of Bucky. The only tangible thing he has left from who he was.

Time moves forward, the earth keeps spinning, and Steve keeps going. The shattered remains of his life slowly coalescing into something manageable when, of course, everything falls apart.

 

^

 

Fury shows up at his apartment.  Despite the casual way he's talking, waving his hands flippantly, the air is tense and Fury's movements slightly strained. When he flicks the light on, and the full extent of Fury's injuries are revealed, Steve suddenly feels cornered; in a situation with unknown hostiles and no viably defensible position.

After flicking the light back off, Fury settles into the chair, keeps up the charade about his wife having kicked him out. Steve has to work to ignore the weight of dread settling at his spine when Fury shows him the screen of his phone, the words 'Shield is compromised' ruining any hope of future stability.

One moment, Fury is shakily getting to his feet, and the next, high caliber rounds are punching through the wall to his left. Steve grabs the fallen Shield director and does his best to drag him into somewhere that is away from windows. The door bursts open and Steve nearly slices his next door neighbor in half. Kate, or rather, Agent 13 as she identifies herself checks over Fury. With the knowledge that Fury is being tended to, Steve looks out of the window closest to where the bullets had come from. The shooter was still there.

"Tell command that I'm in pursuit." Is all he throws over his shoulder before he backs up, and hurls himself out of the window and into the building across the street. Steve finds that he has to use every bit of his super soldier speed to keep up with the shooter, and it becomes apparent fast that this isn't any run of the mill assassin.

Bursting through a window and onto the roof a another building, Steve straightens and in one fluid movement throw his shield. Even with all of his force behind it, the assassin simply turns, and with his metal arm flashing in the moonlight catches it effortlessly. Steve only catches a glimpse of black rimmed eyes and a smudge of red before having to stop the shield from lodging itself in his stomach.  When he looks up, the assassin is gone.

 

^

 

Fury dies, Steve's own team tries to kill him, and he becomes a fugitive. Sometimes he wants to laugh at his own miserable luck. Thankfully he doesn't get the chance, because one very determined Natasha Romanov ends up being on his side. Steve wishes he could say he knew she would be, but it had been impossible to trust her, the very embodiment of the things he didn't like about Shield. Now though, he's starting to, there is a raw and deep hurt inside of her; that much he could glean from her expression as she watched Fury die, and despite all of her secrecy, Natasha struck Steve as a good person.

So Steve counts himself lucky to have her beside him as they make their way to the base where he was trained, and more recently, the hopeful hiding spot of whomever had encrypted the flash drive Fury had given him.

On the way over, Natasha gives him a considering look, "Was that your first kiss since the 40's?" Steve glances at her from the side of his eye, and can't help but grin a little at the mischievous tilt to her mouth.

"I'm in my 90's, not dead." It earns him a chuckle and he gives in and smiles at her, it slowly slides off his face when she looks ahead and keeps talking.

"You know, it's okay now, not everyone cares about the whole 'destiny' thing all that much." Just like most things Natasha says, it is more than just a simple statement. She wants information. Steve glances at her again before focusing on the road. The topic is one she'd brought up countless times before, him dating, and he had easily brushed it aside. Truth feels like something important right now though, in light of recent events. Not to mention that she was one of the few people who even mentioned it around him, like they were afraid that even saying the word 'soulmate' would set him off, because whoever had been his is obviously gone by now.

"It's hard to find someone with shared life experience," he starts, taking her eye roll in stride, "Besides, the sun is still shining, I'm not alone." Natasha's eyebrows lift in interest but she lets it drop easily. Steve looks over in time to catch her tracing the jagged and brutal looking burn mark on her wrist.

"It was a weakness. My handlers didn't want to risk me finding it on a target and not getting the job done. That, and they said it was a frivolous thing. Something tied in emotion and more to the point, love. Childish." Natasha stops talking, simply stares at the roof of the car. Steve doesn't know how to respond to her admission, but reaches over carefully, taking her hand and squeezing it once.

Natasha pulls away, laughing. "Careful there grandpa, you'll give people the wrong idea." Steve can't help the smirk on his face,

"What, that you actually have a friend?" There is a split second of shock on Natasha's face before she's giving him a small but real smile.

"I'm in the wrong line of work for that, Rogers." The rest of the drive is quiet, and despite the situation, having one more person at his back makes everything seem a little less hopeless.

 

^

 

Seeing the base brings back bittersweet memories. He doesn't get long to dwell on memory lane, because as soon as they descend into the heart of Shields old headquarters, that horrible emptiness consumes him. The computer-which later explains that it's _Zola's brain_ , talking is the only sound he registers over the roaring in his ears. Steve listens, as the man who tortured countless soldiers, who tortured _Bucky_ , explains rather calmly that Steve died for nothing. That Hydra lived on, inside of Shield, that nothing he ever did mattered. Rage blinds him to everything as he drives his fist into the monitor, and Steve wants to scream when Zola just keeps talking, as if the universe is laughing at him, saying 'See? No matter what you do, _none of it matters_ '.

Shield sends a missile at them, and Steve does his best to protect them from the blast, helping Natasha out as they drag themselves from the wreckage. They're dirty. bruised, and thoroughly disheartened.

When they show up at Sam's door, he takes one look at them and ushers them inside.

 

*

 

Two priority level targets, matched threat level. One Hydra asset, status compromised. Mission laid out, the Soldier moves to set things in motion. This mission wasn't a simple neutralization, Pierce had made it clear that he wanted concrete evidence of mission success, wanted to see bodies. Failure is not, and has never been an option.

Landing on the roof of the Target's car, he rips the steering wheel from the driver's hands, accessing the driver and the threat he posed as he did. Seeing no evidence that he could compromise the mission, the Soldier focuses on taking out his priority targets. Hydra's asset had already been dealt with.

The targets show surprising resistance and resourcefulness, but the Soldier simply straightens after being thrown off the car, and hisses updated orders at the team assigned to him. Taking the weapon offered, the Soldier watches as the blast launches the blond, Target A, off of the overpass. Issuing more orders to ensure that the ground team would take care of him as he watched.

One threat having been removed from the immediate battleground, the Soldier instead focuses on Target B. The redhead evades every shot thrown her way, and disappears over the overpass, a fall that would likely injure her severely, if not fatally. Although if prior evidence held true, she wouldn't be that easily eliminated.

The Soldier is proven correct when her accuracy takes him by surprise, and a shot glances off of his goggles. Ripping them off, he throws himself over the side of the overpass, stalking toward her. The mission time was short, almost too short he feels, considering the skill of his targets. Pierce's voice echoes in his head, the searing chant of "Failure is not an option." pushing the Soldier on as he hunted her down.

The Soldier watches the Target flinch as the bullet tears through her shoulder, moving to close in and finish the job when he hears footsteps. Smoothly he turns and drives his fist down, a blow with intent to kill, when it's stopped cold by Target A's shield. The Soldier cannot remember ever having faced an opponent who could match each of his strikes, who barely flinches when hit.

The Soldier twists to escape the hold the target has on his neck, flips away and lands on his feet. It's only when he straightens that he notices the bottom of his mask is gone, a critical mission error. Dismissing it the Soldier goes to advance, drawing his gun.

"Bucky?" The Soldier falters. There is a brief and intense moment when the man in front of him is doubled, one with much smaller features, staring up at him, blue eyes shining,

Shaking it off he raises the gun, ducking when a grenade blows up the car behind him. The Soldier uses the smoke to run.

 

*

 

After Slipping into headquarters the technicians shove him into the chair immediately. The arm twitches under their ministrations and the Soldier has a brief and terrible flash of instruments. Dripping blood, his blood, being taken to his skin again and again, for every failure, for every question out of turn. The Soldier remains as still as possible, fear, an emotion brutally worked out of him snaking it's way into his heart at the thought of those instruments.

Despite his efforts, the Soldier cannot focus. Cannot follow mission parameters. The man's face continually popping up in his thoughts, no matter how hard he tries to drive it away. For some reason the inexplicably lost expression on the blond's face kept appearing, and each time carried such a sense of _wrong_ that the Soldier couldn't think of anything but it.

Pierce appears, and kneels in front of him, his words calm and placating at first, but with the first sharp sting as the Soldiers head whips to the side, the words turn hard as stone. Pierce gives the order, and the Soldier does not fight as they strap him to the chair, takes the bit willingly, just like he'd been trained.

As the first wave of electricity washes over his mind, something inside of the Soldier rebels against the thought of forgetting, of losing the image of blue eyes and a determined frown.

Agony becomes all he knows.

 

^

 

The cuffs chafe at Steve's wrists, but it doesn't register. Nothing registers beyond that face, _Bucky's_ face. Steve had a thousand dreams of what it would be like to see him again, and thousand nightmares where he watched him slip away. There is a yawning cold spreading through his body as the image of haunted blue-grey eyes burns itself into his mind. Lips that tasted like honey, no matter where they were. The star. They kept the star. Twisted it into the symbol of something terrible. They _stole_ it.

The conversation flows around him, and he can barely pull himself from the rage, from the terrible sadness that just makes him want to give up, enough to answer Natasha. "It was him." Sam asks if he's sure, and he can only nod, lay his head against the back of the truck, the cool metal there.

"Even when I had nothing, I had Bucky." Sam takes the answer with a grim frown and Natasha. Natasha gets it. Steve watches as a flip seem to switch for her, and her eyes zero in on the star. Steve knows Bucky is alive now. Will have to live with it, along with the fresh, vibrant red of the star on his arm. Such a contrast to the dull rust color after the fall. Natasha doesn't say anything, just watches as the metal of the bench he's sat on bends beneath his fingers.

 

^

 

The discovery that Fury was alive, was a welcome victory amongst the sheer weight of defeat. They plan to storm Shield the following morning, rip it and Hydra to the ground, erase everything and stop the Helicarriers.

Steve finds an empty corner, and Natasha finds him. Steve doesn't know how to tell her politely to go away. Wants nothing more than to be alone. Nothing more than to deal with the loss by himself. The bitter knowledge that Bucky _isn't_ dead, hadn't been dead. Was left to experimentation and torture because Steve was too busy finishing a pointless mission. Natasha slides down the wall opposite, mirroring him.

"When did you know?" The question isn't the one he expected, and he's surprised that he's even answering it.

"We were kids." Natasha nods, stares into the middle distance.

"It's not your fault, Steve." Steve stares at her, wants to yell, explain exactly how it was his fault, how if he had never asked him to stay, caught him, he would've been okay. Instead he thanks her, and ignores the desire to fall apart. Wants nothing more than to cry until he's numb, but doesn't. Steve doesn't deserve the luxury of crying, on the chance it might make him feel better.

When Sam says his piece, reminds him that he may not be able to save Bucky, Steve refuses. Because he's going to save Bucky, he's going to save him, or he's going to die trying.

 

^

 

Steve knew it would come down to this. Deep down. Bucky stands in front of him, eyes blank, knife in hand. He tries to reason, desperately, explaining that a lot of people would die if he didn't move.

It doesn't work. Just like the last time Steve fought him, Bucky gives as good as he gets, whatever bastardized version of the Serum he has doing wonders. They fight through the Helicarrier, tumbling down into the observation windows. Each hit breaks something inside of Steve.

After finally managing to knock Bucky out, hopefully giving him some time, Steve begins climbing back up to the Helicarrier's targeting controls. Maria's voice calmly yet urgently counting down the time they had until millions of people died. The first bullet tears through his thigh, exits clean but burns. The second comes as he's locking their targeting chip into place, searing it's way through his bicep.

The third bullet finds purchase in his stomach, lodging itself there as he types in the code, sighing as Maria informs him they won. Steve tells her to fire, and thankfully she doesn't fight him, turning the Helicarriers guns on themselves.

The first salvo of turret fire slices through the Helicarrier with ease, efficiently gutting it. They start to loose altitude. Steve ignores the pain in his stomach to look over the railing, and is jumping down before he really decides at the sight of Bucky pinned beneath a beam. After a few seconds of struggle Bucky wriggles free, and Steve is desperate.

"You know me!" The attempt sounds weak to his own ears, but Bucky's answering yell of,

"No I don't!" Doesn't hurt any less.

"Your name is James Buchanan Barnes." It sounds like a prayer, and he accepts the hit, only wincing when Bucky screams,

"Shut up!" The agony lacing every word worse than the bullet in his gut. Steve pushes on, like a man desperate for water in a desert. Dropping his shield he makes his choice.

"I won't fight you. You're my friend. I've loved you my entire life." The world rushes by in a blur of fire and smoke before he's slammed back onto the deck. Metal connecting with bone, shattering.

"You're my mission!" Each word punctuated with another punch, and Steve has to swallow blood to speak.

"Then finish it, because I'm with you till the end of the line." A punch freezes in mid-air, and Steve has the time to watch Bucky's eyes fill with tears before the floor gives way, and this time, he's the one that falls.

 

^

 

The hospital is just like all the others, and Steve hates it. Sam stays by his side, entertaining him throughout all two weeks of his stay.

When they finally release him, Steve gets invited to a funeral, and shakes the hand of the man 'buried' a few feet from him.

"There's a spot for you, if you want it." Steve appreciates the offer, but has to refuse. Fury looks mildly disappointed, but not surprised.

Saying goodbye to Natasha ends up being harder than he thought it would be. Doing what she did took courage that he hasn't seen in a long time, and he knows that she needs time to regroup.  Despite that, he selfishly wants her to stay to help him on his next mission. But he won't ask her for that, and even though Sam doesn't approve, he's got his back.

The file Natasha had given him feels heavy in his hands, and he almost wants to take her advice, to 'not pull on that thread', but can't. It's not something that's possible. Steve knows that Bucky's in there. Had seen it in his eyes. Known that there was no way that Bucky was gone, because Steve had been close to death, a few more hits from death and hadn't fought back, given him every chance to finish the mission, to kill him. Not only had he stopped, he'd pulled him from the water, alerted a bystander to where he'd left Steve before vanishing. Bucky's still there, and no matter how far he's lost inside of himself, Steve _will_ find him.

 

^

 

They begin their search where The Winter Soldier began. Going to the very first laboratory where they had strapped him down and stolen everything from him. Taken all of his memories and twisted his loyalty to their needs.

Steve and Sam comb through the entire building for some sort of evidence, anything that could give them a lead. All they find is a chair that makes Steve's stomach turn, and all they leave with is the satisfaction of watching the facility erupt in flames.

Sam is steadfast through the first seven Hydra bases they infiltrate and destroy, but in the aftermath he speaks up after watching the shield embed itself in the concrete, Steve's frustration fraying him.

"He may not want to be found Steve." Sam's right, because he's _always_ right, but Steve has always been stubborn.

Eventually though, even he has to admit that Bucky truly doesn't want to be found. They start finding bases already burned to the ground, smoldering ruins the only proof that Bucky had even been there. Steve is always _just_ too late, just a step behind. He doesn't want to give up, would search until he ran himself into the ground, but Sam isn't him, and doesn't deserve to be kept in the fight this long. So Steve decides to take a break, despite the way it eats him inside.

 

^

 

Steve never gives up the search. Not truly, although eventually another supervillain with eyes set on Godhood decides to show themselves, and so The Avengers have to save the world, again. The battle isn't quite as devastating as the last one, but at the end of it, Steve finds that the appeal of living in Avengers tower is just too hard to turn down in the face of an empty apartment strewn with cold leads.

There's something undeniably comforting, and _right_ about gathering in the communal living room of Avengers tower after the fight. They're bruised and singed but it helps to stave off some of the loneliness in Steve.

From there, living at the tower is one of the best decisions he ever made...although his relationships with Howard Stark's son, Tony, does not improve.

They're gathered on the common floor, each Avenger doing some mundane thing or another, when Tony pipes up.

"You know Cap, have you ever stopped to think that maybe it isn't your buddy from what....seventy years ago?" Tony has that infuriating tone going on, where he sounds at once like he's being condescending and smug. Natasha and Clint both look up from where they're casually draped across one another on the couch. Steve meets their eyes and they relax, a little.

"I have, actually. But It's him, I know it is." Steve is calm when he turns to Tony, and only bristles when the other man scoffs, waving his hands and bringing up some of his floating screens.

"Oh, you just _know_. You and your heart of gold is going to trust a _monster_ , just because he looks like someone you knew. I don't think you get it Capsicle, just how easy that would be to do." All hope of Steve confronting Tony calmly dies when he calls Bucky a monster.

"I thought you learned something about _caring_ after New York, but no. How could you _ever_ care about anyone but yourself, you're selfish and you will _never_ understand." It takes a minute for him to realize he's got his fists clenched, looming over Stark like he means to clock him one. Stark isn't phased in the least,

"Go ahead and lecture me Rogers. You're so good at that. What lecture are you gonna give when it turns out you're wrong, and it's all just a big plan by Hydra?" If at that moment Pepper hadn't walked in, Steve would've hit Tony. The man dredging up his worst fear and wielding it like a weapon against him, making it out like these are things Steve's never considered.  

Pepper stops in the doorway, and Steve immediately takes a few steps back, wanting to apologize to her. Pepper just smiles at him and then turns toward Tony, turning to bear the full weight of her 'I'm disappointed in you' glare.

"Tony, I got an email this morning from-..." She stops with an almost imperceptible grin as he sighs and follows her out of the room, not even stopping to throw a glare over his shoulder.

The room is silent when they leave, Clint seems to ask the question on everyone's mind.

"Stark has about as much tact as...actually he has literally none. As much as I hate to admit it, he had a point. How _do_ you know that it's really Bucky?" It's a fair question, and Steve deflates a little, Stark always manages to work him up so much. The only people left are the three of them, so Steve gives up and tells him why he's so certain.

"Natasha knew you." Stark would've had a field day, that Steve was making a decision purely on faith without thinking about the collateral damage. Clint though, gets a look of deep understanding, and shakes his head.

"You should've hit him, hell _I_ should've hit him. I've ridden the brainwash train." Steve actually grins a little bit.

"If anyone is going to hit Tony Stark, it's going to be Pepper Potts for the stunt he pulled this morning." Just like that, the tension of the room shifts focus, becomes lighter, and Steve can pretend that Tony's words aren't haunting him.

 

^

 

A rouge Hydra cell usually didn't require the full might of the team, but it seemed Hydra had pulled together most of it's cells for one last ditch effort. They're numbers are impressive for an organization that Steve and Sam had personally lent a hand to making crumble. The whole team is on edge though, because it's all just too easy. The agents are clearly cannon fodder, and the main event has to show itself at some point.

Tony made the observation early in the fight, almost like he was eager to be proven right, eager for Steve's world to crash in on itself.

When it happens, it happens too fast for any of them to react. They hear a shot ricochet a few feet from where Steve was standing, and when they look up to find the source, even some of the Hydra agents were staring. Crossbones was hanging by his gun over the side of a very tall building. The barrel is mangled in a steel fist, bent at a harmless angle. There's a moment where they can hear shouting, even as far away as they are, before Bucky (every fiber of Steve's being hopes it's Bucky. _His_ Bucky) calmly pulls a gun, and puts a bullet in Crossbones skull.

Steve ignores all of the other Avengers when he starts running. Sam's shouting at him to be careful and the others are talking over each other on the comms but he _does not care._

Basically clawing his way up the building, Steve throw himself onto the roof and has to swallow the lump in his throat when he doesn't immediately spot Bucky.

"Steve." His name is a rasp. Sandpaper dry but there's no mistaking it, there's _emotion_ in the word. Not confused rage like on the Helicarrier. Steve can't make himself move once he sees Bucky, sitting on the roof casually, at least six visible weapons on him. There are so many conflicting urges running through his head that it feels like it's going to split in two when Bucky _smiles_. It barely counts as that, just a twitch of the lips but it feels like Steve has been waiting his entire life just to see that smile.

"Buck?" Steve ignores the trembling in his hands, tries to keep his wits about him. Not wanting to believe and not being able to ignore that nagging fear, that all of this will be snatched away from him. Replaced by blank eyes and robotic movements.

There's a moment where Bucky doesn't do anything, just stares at him before closing his eyes, like he's finally found relief. "Say it again." So Steve does, says his name until he's forced himself to take enough steps to stand in front of Bucky.

Steve doesn't fight it when Bucky's hand snaps out, lightning quick, grabs his wrist. There's a burst of chatter on the comms, but it goes silent when nothing else happens. Bucky has a death grip on his left wrist, with his real hand. Very slowly he pulls Steve down until they're face to face, grip never loosening.

"Tell me...." Bucky trails off taking a deep breath before his face sort of crumples and he whispers. "Tell me you're real. Tell me they didn't get you too." It's the first time that Bucky's voice actually wavers and Steve does as asked, parrots it back.

Bucky finally lets go of Steve's wrist, stares hard at the star there before looking back at Steve, tears in his eyes and Steve finally lets himself cry. Lets himself break apart. Because he knows the man in front of him will help him fix it. Only one of Bucky's hands come up to his face to wipe away the tears, and Steve finally rips his eyes from Bucky's face long enough to notice the metal arm.

It's pressed firmly against his stomach, blood flowing through the digits.

Even as Bucky's eyes slip closed, Steve's screaming for a medic.

 

*

 

Waking up on a couch is not the outcome he had expected. In the year since the Helicarrier, everything was different than he was expecting. At first, he hadn't been Bucky. Hadn't known the name in the museum from Adam.

Through weeks of empty warehouses and abandoned bases the urge to return to his handlers as quickly as possible had slackened, and then vanished entirely as pieces of himself had started coming back.

Things were still broken and jumbled, a mess of wires inside his mind. But Bucky knew who he was, knew enough of his past to understand. More importantly, he finally knew who the man on the bridge was. Steve. His best friend. His entire world from the moment they had met. Even though he was still trying to work things out, even though the desire to press a gun to his temple hadn't yet faded, through all of the memories of death and blood and pain; Bucky remembered Steve.

So he knew he'd kept him waiting long enough. Bucky doesn't mean to seek out Steve as soon as he does, but Crossbones had been on his radar for a long time. Sifting through his memories the guy had done terrible things, and while it was a pot-kettle situation, Bucky knew that the guy was twisted. So by finding Crossbones, he accidentally finds Steve.

From a tactical standpoint, Crossbones is running a suicide mission. The Avengers were gathered, all of them, and tearing through his little army like a warm-up. It only takes Bucky a few minutes of shadowing him to understand. Crossbones isn't going to actually fight, the army was pure distraction. Bucky doubts it's just chance that the first target Crossbones has lined up is Steve.

Bucky slips into that place inside of himself that doesn't quite feel. That only really knows how to kill everyone around him and get out without being stopped. At first there had been no room for Bucky there. Only the Soldier. Gradually though, they were meshing to become the same thing. The Soldier bares his teeth at the sight of a scope trained on Steve. More proof that those two pieces of himself aren't so separate.

Crossbones lines up the shot, it's trajectory taking it directly through Steve's jugular before Bucky's hitting him so hard he would've fallen off of the building if Bucky's metal arm hadn't snapped out to grab the sniper rifle's barrel. There is rage burning behind his sternum, an emotion new, just like all of the others. It doesn't feel the same as it had when he'd destroyed countless Hydra bases for what they'd done to him, no, it's the thought of someone trying to kill Steve and nearly succeeding bringing him out of that cold head space, and he's as much himself as he ever is these days when he puts that gun against Crossbones head.

There is actual fear in the other man's eyes, and it distracts Bucky just long enough for Crossbones to pull a sidearm. He only gets off one shot before his lifeless body plummets to the ground below, but it was enough. The bullet is nestled somewhere behind his ribs, and even though he heals fast, he doesn't think he can out heal a bullet grazing important arteries. Bucky regrets that he might make Steve watch him die as he slips into unconsciousness.

Just like on that roof, seeing Steve's face is some kind of miracle sent from on high. Although this time it's pinched and worried as he sits on the floor by the couch. Bucky just takes a minute to stare at him before he tries to say anything. Before he can he's assaulted by a memory and it's one of the rare ones that won't haunt his nightmares.

"I think this is supposed to be the other way around." Steve's head whips around so fast Bucky is sure that he gives himself whiplash. There is hope so strong in his eyes that it makes Bucky's heart hurt, and again he can't decide if he deserves to even be _near_ Steve. The blond gives him a tiny smile and goes to reply, but just then the door gets thrown open.

The man who nothing less but saunters in doesn't look threatening in the least, but Steve tenses and Bucky knows it's for good reason; the man is Tony Stark, otherwise known as Iron Man, although the suit is nowhere to be found at the moment, so Bucky can't parse out what has Steve riled up.

"Are you done mother henning? Because his cells all ready." Something in Bucky is relieved. Glad that they'll put him somewhere contained, to make sure he can't hurt Steve.

"Bucky _will not_ be put in a cell." Steve's tone is vicious, and his posture is screaming threat. Tony doesn't seem to pick up on any of that.

"We're not going to hurt your boyfriend Capsicle. It's just to make sure that oh....on the off chance he decides to kill us all in our sleep, he can't." Bucky's mind is reeling, all of the anger in Steve had drained in an instant, along with the color in his face.

Bucky's searching through his memories, has to swallow hard to ask,

"Were we..." There's something insistent in the back of his head that tells him that they were. Or that Bucky did. That he loved Steve. That part of him that knows he's tainted in a way that will _never_ come clean hopes that it was one sided, because Bucky doesn't deserve Steve's presence, let alone his love. The blond is utterly motionless, his jaw clenching so hard that his teeth must hurt. The more Bucky thinks about it, the more something sounds wrong. The word _boyfriend_ doesn't sit right.

Slowly, Steve nods, actual _fear_ in his eyes. The admission helps Bucky stumble through his memories, sift through the tattered remains there. Some of it comes back, and the fact that Steve was his world isn't any less true, but now it's accompanied by the way he'd loved Steve. It's enough to get him sitting up a little more, ignoring the pain.

Steve looks like he wants to put some distance between them, tries to before Bucky very carefully reaches forward, grabs the chain around his throat, Stark gets out the beginning of a protest before Bucky cuts him off,

"We were. But....more." The word he's searching for alludes him, and he looks to Steve hopefully, hoping that the memory of smelling like gunpowder surrounded by people, a memory tied to fighting that doesn't end in blood on his hands, is real. Hopes that the smile on Steve's face was real, the adoration as he'd said "I do." was real.

Carefully Steve helps Bucky pull the necklace out of his shirt, the dog tags resting there old, but legible. Bucky sees his own name, right next to Steve's, and has to fight not to cry from the weight of _wanting_ , wanting it to be true.  

"We were," Steve confirms softly, hand closing around Bucky's on the tags, "You asked and I said yes."

From somewhere behind him, there is a noise of utter disbelief. "Wait. Are you telling me, he actually _is_ your boyfriend?" Steve looks away from Bucky's face long enough to send a withering glare at the brunette,

"Husband." The word sends a chill down Bucky's spine, and Bucky turns his head just enough to catch the dumbfounded look on Tony's face. It hasn't been long, but Bucky gets the feeling that he and Steve have a rocky relationship. Before anymore can be said, the Black Widow appears. They had similar training, so Bucky can recognize the pure menace in her stance when she stands behind Tony.

"Stark, there's something wrong with JARVIS." Whatever it is she's talking about it seems to cause distress enough in Stark that he doesn't fight it when she guides him out of the room, especially after calling to the ceiling and getting no answer. Steve's nod of thanks to Natasha isn't lost on Bucky.

The silence once Stark leaves is deafening, the memories pouring in like a dam had burst.

"Look Buck. I.....get it, if you don't still feel that way, and no matter what anyone says I would never ask..-" The look on Steve's face when Bucky shoves his hand against his mouth is one he will treasure for darker times.

"You're such a sacrificial _punk_." Steve's eyes go wide, and when Bucky moves his hand he doesn't try to say anything else except for an alarmed noise when Bucky pushes himself into a sitting position. The burn of pain simmering in the background.

"I remember....enough. Which means I know that I ain't gonna ever stop loving you. It wasn't just anyone who cracked through to me but," Bucky stops, frustrated before giving in and finally leaning forward, pressing his lips to Steve's forehead. "I'm not _good_. Stevie. Your friend was right, you should lock me up. There ain't a part of me that isn't broken."

Bucky would be lying if he said the righteous indignation on Steve's face was surprising. He was the most stubborn human alive, it was fact.

"Like hell. If you believe that, then I'll spend the next seventy years telling you different till you believe me." It startles a wild laugh out of Bucky, and he doesn't _deserve_ it, doesn't deserve to sink to his knees from the couch and finally kiss Steve, who is and always had been everything good in the world.

"Will you stay?" The question is a fair one, and Bucky hadn't been sure of the answer when he'd first woken up, but he is a selfish and broken creature.

"As long as you'll have me." Steve tugs him back in before he can even finish, not letting go for a second, like he's afraid Bucky will slip away again.

"Forever." The answer hurts even as it makes a smile bloom across Bucky's face, it's real and it's freeing, though it only lasts a breath before being kissed away.

  
   

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed. All of the kudos and comments are so very appreciated.


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